Roadblock

I've hit a major roadblock in my life.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I suppose I've suspected that I might have one but never found the courage to admit it out loud especially to others. So, I'll start this blog post by saying my name is Rachel and I'm a food addict.

I can't pinpoint the day where I began using food for comfort, support, or activity. I had a regular eating pattern all the way up to about 17 years old and then I began to be homeschooled. During that time, I was only doing schoolwork a total of two hours a day and was off the rest of the time. I was home alone during my schooling and would often eat to fill the time. The first food I can remember binging on was animal crackers and goldfish crackers. I wouldn't just eat a few handfuls, I would eat the entire bag. I'd eat until I couldn't eat another bite..and then I would force myself to eat more. I would be so full that I'd be sick.

I went up to about 188 at my heaviest. I'm guessing I had to have gained about 30 pounds or so during those few years. When I was a freshman in college, I began to be super unsatisfied with my appearance. My first steps into college life had proved to be unsettling and I knew that I was overweight. When I checked my BMI for my heigh, I realized that I would be categorized as obese. It was incredibly dishearting and I knew I had to make a change.

I began dieting that summer (May 2011) and feel like I've been on a "diet" ever since. The first diet resulted in a significant weight loss. I got all the way down to 156 by August 2012. Of course, during that long winded diet I had some time off for the holidays and would make those "diet mistakes." At that time, I didn't feel like I had an eating disorder because I was pretty much able to cut the bad food out without any real problem. Then I went away to college and gained the dreaded freshman fifteen. The stress of being far away from home, having to make new friends, and the overload of homework set me into relapse. I began using food to cover my stress again.

It was so difficult to diet while at school. The main thing people did was EAT. I'm not kidding you! Every event which happened at least 3x a week was centered around going to get food. I didn't want to be "that person" and I wanted to enjoy myself so I let myself slip. When I went home in Decemeber I weighted in at 170. I was devastated! I cried and cried and became angry at myself for being so stupid. I started a strict diet once again and even began going to the gym. I got back down to 160 by March. Of course, then I started to feel more comfortable with myself and stopped going to the gym as much or worrying so much about how to eat right. I went home for spring break and decided I would totally go off for the week. I came back to school determined to get back to it..but I never really did.

Last summer, I weighed in at 178 when I went to the doctors. Again, I was devastated. I hated myself so much and disliked even leaving the house. I would just stare at myself in the mirror from every angle and wish I had the willpower needed to change. Why did I need food so much? Why couldn't I just eat like a normal person?

Food addictions are not uncommon in my family. After I began to suspect I had a problem, I realized that the problem was all around me. My dad is over 300 pounds and two of my brothers are well on their way to that point in the high 200's. My sister's have all be overweight at one point or another. One of my sisters had a serious eating disorder of binging and then purging. She was bulimic for about 5 or 6 years of her life. When she got pregnant with her first daughter she got up to about 220! Once she was up that high she hated herself too and gave up. She said at one point she drove from fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant just getting different meals and then she sat in her car and ate it all! I've never gotten that bad but I feel like if I don't get help I will be!

My problem is eating to entertain myself. I find myself alone, a lot, and love to watch netflix and eat to fill the time. But if your coating calories, you can't eat very much at all before your all done. Even when I'm on a diet I find myself trying to eat the most I can in one sitting. For example, I'll save all my meals for just one big meal at night. What is wrong with me?! I watch other people and see a normal relationship with food and dream about the day where that will be me.

So this blog is just an honest attempt of mine to get there. The last time I weighed myself was in the beginning of February, after binging through the holidays, and I weighed 176. I lost maybe 2-4 pounds after that and then lost myself again. Last night (this is so embarrassing) I wanted milk duds so bad that I literally waited until my roommate got into the shower and snuck out to run (literally) to the store so she wouldn't know I got them. She would tell you that I never eat junk food. On the outside I'm very healthy. I run, I eat everything low fat and low calorie and never eat desserts. But on the inside, I'm a serious food addict with a serious problem.

Today is day one. I want to diet for a while to loose some of this weight. I want to be in the fifties again. But more then dieting, I want to begin a healthy relationship with food. I want to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I want to fill myself with friends, family and most importantly the Lord before I try and "fill" myself with food. I'm unhappy at my weight and I"m unhappy with my lifestyle. I ask that anyone who stumbles across my blog will subscribe and commit to encouraging me in my journey. If anyone else is struggling with this addiction, I would love to get to know you and encourage you in your journey too. Maybe if theres enough of us, we can do it together.

Day one begins.