I've been doing a bit of reflection trying to think of some reasons why might use food in ways it's not meant to be used for. The first step is to identify when food became a problem and what I was doing or feeling at that time. Like I said in the last post, I think the problem began when I was seventeen. At the time, I was just getting homeschooled, was home a lot, and had just began attending youth group.
Obviously, the problem accelerated over time. It began as a small issue and because I didn't stop to treat the small issue it became a serious addiction. Below is my list of reasons that I've pin pointed so far. If you struggling with eating, I'd encourage you to do the same.
1.) Boredom: I find that I seriously over eat when I have hours of nothing to do. Even though I'm a full time student and am usually in class until at least 3pm, I come straight home and don't have anything to do til 11:00pm when I finally go to bed. Maybe a part of my treatment could be filling up my days with activities so I don't have so much time to do be tempted by food.
2.) Michael: During the time that food became a problem, I was just getting to know Michael who was a boy from youth group. I liked him immediately but didn't even attempt to tell him. I'm the worst flirter in the world and he had no idea the extent to which I liked him. I yearned for him and he was out of my reach for FOUR years! We eventually became best friends but I always wanted more. I've told him since and needless to say our friendship has been terminated as a result. I think I utilized food to fill myself because Michael drained me.
3.) Disappointment: I think I've sometimes felt like my life is as good as it's ever going to get. I'm single and have been single my whole life! I've just turned 22 and am beginning to identify a great insecurity in my heart. I've felt like even if I lost the weight, I'd still be undesirable to men. I've justified it by thinking "No one will ever love you. You might as well enjoy yourself." Also, I don't feel like i'll ever be skinny enough. I'm afraid that I'll go without everything I want to eat and have little result.
4.) An abundance of restrictive diets: I think the constant mindset of "diet today." or "i'll diet tomorrow" suffocates me. I can't tell you how many times i've stuffed my face uncomfortably because I had to start a diet the next day and needed to "get it all out of my system." I sometimes wonder what would change if I allowed myself whatever I wanted in serious moderation and discipline.
5.) Associating food and tv: As of today I'm going to try desperately to not watch tv and eat. I always overeat when I watch a show. It's my favorite thing to do. If I don't entertain myself while I eat, I am guaranteed to eat less. Until I get this eating under control, I vow to sit and eat without any entertainment. This will no doubt be incredibly difficult!
That's all I've thought of so far. Think about your reasons and comment!
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