Lets Try This Again

I read a blog called "Diva On a Diet" yesterday and every single word she spoke resonated with me about the struggles of weight loss. Like her, I have been successful on weight watchers once before. I lost over 30 pounds and looked fantastic. The scale had gotten to 156 right before I went to Spokane for school. Obviously, 156 isn't a girls 'dream weight' but for me it really looked nice. I was getting compliments, I was looking good in clothes, and I felt great! I look at those pictures now and it brings with it a sadness and guilt. I lost all that weight, and watched the scale creep back up to 180 over the course of a few years.

It's a weekly thing where I think to myself "I have GOT to get serious about this diet again!" I'm not exaggerating when I say its a weekly thing either. I mean, every single Monday for the past two years. And yet, somehow, by Friday I'm over the diet and I'm gorging myself on food thinking "I'll start Monday." It's become such a tired routine that I NEVER tell people I'm going on a diet because they would probably laugh audibly. And while it might seem humorous to some, it is really a huge shame in my life. I carry the weight, no pun intended, with me everywhere I go.

I think it's one thing to just be fat and a whole other thing to be fat AFTER having been skinny. I feel like people look at me and think "wow. She is putting on so much weight." If your fat, and have always been fat, your weight doesn't draw attention. As seriously sad as this is, I find myself looking at fat women and thinking "wow. Must be nice to accept your weight and live life." Theres a sad part of me that wishes I could just be fat and be happy fat. Some little voice in my head keeps telling me that diets mean limitations, lack of freedom, and lack of happiness. But somewhere even deeper inside is a little girl screaming at me to pull myself together. I wonder if I don't lose weight, if I'll ever find a man to love me. Just suffer for the year, or whatever, til you lose weight and then you won't suffer your entire life being gawked at and left single and unwanted.

So here I am again. They say that it's not failure until you quit trying. I will never quit trying for that little girl inside of me begging me to do it. It helps that I have two weddings that I'm in this summer where I have to stand up in front of a mass of people in a strapless dress. I'm looking at my calendar, and all of my weight loss plans, and I'm just hoping and praying that this time I will succeed. I'll find that motivation to really do this and do it well. I'm too scared to weigh myself because I've been in a blissful denial for so long. Once I see the number, I'll have to accept what has happened. :/

So even though I ate more then 28 points on both Monday and Tuesday (February 9 and 10), I don't think I ate over 49 points over 28. So I'm going to go ahead and tell myself I started this diet on Monday. So I have 24 weeks from this Saturday to lose as much weight as possible before August 1st. Lets try this again!